Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total:$21.00

==========

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts:$50.00

DUI:$2500.00

Impound fee:$75.00

Bail:$1500.00

Beer:$20.00

Total:$4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

BIRTHDAY REMINDER:

This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting
everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, … don’t they?
Have a great day 

I was crying i laughed so hard after reading this……

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest; The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a
100, 000- volt, pocket/ purse-sized taser ; The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived , with no long- term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short , I bought the device and brought it home and loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button; Nothing.
I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs; AWESOME!!!
( Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. ..)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised .

Am I wrong ?

So, there I sat in a pair of short s and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water .

Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little
device  measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, ‘no possible way! ‘ What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I’ll do my best. ……

I’m sitting there alone , Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, ‘ don’ t do it dipshit’, reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad..

I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prong s to my naked thigh , pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WHAT THE HELL! !!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again !!! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found , with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever
feel compelled to ‘ mug’ yourself with a taser , one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor .

A three second burst would be
considered conservative! ( SON- OF- A- BITCH , THAT HURT LIKE HELL! !!)

A minute or so later (I can’ t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point ), I collected my wits ( what little I had left) , sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you
think Education is difficult, try being stupid!!

Sensible Observations

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that.
It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy

5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the
infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….
I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.
Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni

11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde

16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan .”
–A. Whitney Brown

18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
‘My God, you’re right!
I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it “PMS”?
Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown, presumed deceased

20) “Everybody’s got to believe in something.
I believe I’ll have another beer.”
–W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to “Press 1 for English?”
–Every American

THE MOVIE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN Ruined Things for Cowboys